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Sarcastic Financial New Year Resolutions

With a new year beginning the topic of resolutions on the financial side of things is inevitable. Unless you are filthy stinking rich, in which case resolutions are superfluous.

Some of my compatriots online have posted their resolutions. I applaud their efforts, and with this in mind, I will post some honest personal finance resolutions for this year. These may or may not have anything to do with me.

The Honest Financial Resolution List

  1. Control the money supply and stop impulse spending. If there is a big sale on at the local electronics store, or there is an excellent Boxing Quarter sale where you can get a 80″ TV on 6-month payment terms, who could say no to that?
  2. Save more money, by setting up automatic withdrawals from pay cheques. Of course, since it will go to an Emergency Fund if it is really needed for say: a nice vacation, the money might be used for that, because stress is a bad thing, isn’t it?
  3. Pay off car loans or finish with the car lease. If a dealership is offering to pay off all car loans if you buy a new car, that works?
  4. Join a gym because your health is essential to your financial well-being. It’s important to look good at the gym, so buy some nice clothes for the gym. Cancelling the membership won’t be possible  (in April), because you signed up for a two-year contract, but you might go back in a few months so there is nothing to worry about, right?
  5. Lower your home costs and bills by using your cell phone less, and only going with basic cable, but, sometimes you really have to watch a movie on your Super Phone while your spouse is shopping and is taking too damn long! It’s OK to watch the occasional pay-per-view money because you are saving so much with basic cable (and who the hell can stand only having basic cable any how), that’s only fair, correct?
  6. Eat out less because that is a big expense. It is of course OK to go out on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, those days when you didn’t get home until late, days when you are just too damn tired to cook or days where dammit you deserve to treat yourself, again it isn’t that expensive, right?
  7. Cut down on expensive coffee like drinks, and drink the free coffee at work. You may get sick of that stuff (because it really is made with pencil shavings) and treating yourself every once in a while on a good coffee (say once or twice a day tops). Sounds like a legitimate reason.
  8. Use credit cards less, because that is what got you in trouble last year. You did get all those great Airmiles or PC Points, and that is good. That is a quandary.
  9. Cut down on banking expenses like charges for using white ATM machines, but sometimes you are at a bar, and there isn’t an ATM for your bank nearby and you do need to pay for the next round, so that might not be too bad, after all it’s only $1.50?
  10. Be transparent about money with my spouse, except when I go out with my buddies, and she gets mad about how we are only going to ogle the waitresses at Moxy’s, so it might be better not to mention those outings, or when we go to the lunch time ballet, it would only upset her, so that’s just being a good husband?
  11. Keep close track of money by using Quicken or Excel to track all of the spending. Now sometimes it’s hard to get receipts (especially at the ballet) and you know, you get busy and after two weeks you don’t really want to look because you are afraid how bad things might be, so it might be better for your stress levels just to ignore it completely?

Read anything here that you can honestly say has nothing to do with you. If so, take a Sainthood out of petty cash.

Feel Free to Comment

  1. Way too accurate… I think someone has been opening my mail and reading my statements! lol

    Except for the ballet. Haven’t been to the ballet in years. Or the gym. Being a student, I have a ton of homework, and keeping up with that as a 51 year old is tougher than I remember than when I was 20. So, no time for the gym membership.

    I do collect my receipts and fill in my spreadsheet though…

    Thanks for the good reminder!

  2. Such a refreshing change from so many earnest, copycat New Year Resolutions. AND on target I might add.

  3. Nice list. I think you hit a lot of people, me included, with at least one of those. To me this brings home the point even more that resolutions with numbers to track them are destined to fail.

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